Author: Olabisi

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Why do we ignore other people’s problems?

Are we too busy in our days with our smartphones,
our jobs, our apps that we really don’t have time to
bring on additional issues?

Basically, it sucks to be you, until it’s me.

Our life is our creation.

It is not something that happens to us unless we
give up our right to create it.

We can choose what we care about.

We can choose what we ignore.

How do we make compassion part of our work?

How do we choose empathy?

Compassion is feeling other’s pains and struggles
as though they were our own.

Compassion also includes the desire to mitigate
that other person’s pain.

Empathy allows us to relate to someone else’s
pain as if we had experienced that pain ourselves.

Lao Tzu says our role in life can be to hold space
for others.
– We can walk without judging and cultivate
compassion for another being.
– We can listen with our whole heart.

I suggest being empathetic;
– brings a higher level of maturity
– helps us in our search for fulfillment
– brings a level of peace and happiness
– brings us awareness
– helps us clarify our priorities

I say
– listen
– be nice
– judge less
– be patient
– if you can, do something, HELP

Whether other people’s pain affects you or not,
most of us want to be on a path toward maturity,
fulfillment, and peace and I suggest that
sometimes that takes caring for more than just
ourselves.

If not for altruistic reasons, do it for furthering
your own personal entireness, excellence, virtue,
wholeness, and achievement.

It may make us work to understand why someone
else may feel that other’s do not feel that their
life matters.

It may make us work to think that we want to value
a country that does not discriminate over a country
that has reduced taxes.

It may make us want to vote for leaders who build
governments to rescue us in hurricanes and negotiate
peace versus leaders who disrupt.

It may make us want to be a nation that welcomes
the poor and oppressed versus a nation that kicks
out people who want to stay and know no other
country.

Maturity, excellence, achievement, and wholeness
as a person require empathy and compassion for
others.

Sometimes you have to care, even if it doesn’t affect you.

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Anger and worry, they must be as
expensive as diamonds.

When you feel and display anger, you, at
times, do so because of your displeasure
and/or your belligerence aroused by a
wrong, an injury, or an injustice.

You may feel provoked, resentful, or
exasperated and it will show.

Your behavior will come across as inimical.

Ask yourself, is this a real or perceived
grievance?

Does your indignation represent a deep
‘justified’ anger?

Anger takes such a toll on your mental
and physical capacity that I suggest, it
should be saved only for real injustice.

When we worry, we torment ourselves
with unease and anxiety.

We interfere with our comfort and peace
of mind, because we are concerned about
something uncertain or potentially
dangerous.

This thing we are going to let ourselves
worry about, is it truly potentially
dangerous?

Allowing something that is not potentially
dangerous to rob you of your peace and
your joy is harmful … to YOU!

We may want to work to allow our minds
and hearts to only pay for anger and worry
when there is an injustice or a dangerous
concern.

Make anger and worry as expensive for
you to buy as a flawless, well cut, polished,
rare, stone … the most beautiful diamond.

Spend anger and worry dollars only on
causes that are diamonds.

Anger and worry entail too great an
expense on our minds and souls, we have
to treat anger and worry as though they
are as expensive as diamonds.

 

 

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Ma’am

Ma’am was a grand lady.

She was significant.

She was grand because …

• She made others feel important.
• She made others feel they CAN DO!
• She made others feel they were LOVED.

It seems success in life comes from how you
make people feel after their interaction with
you.

People remember how you make them feel
about themselves.

She made others feel encouraged, loved,
inspired, and welcome.

And she did it with such grace, elegance,
poise.

You see … I and others called Ma’am when …

• you needed advice, she was tactical
  and strategic.
• you called her when you needed
  inspiration, she was so motivational.
• you called her when you needed
  encouragement, she was always so
  positive.

And you always left feeling …

• more positive,
• more inspired,
• more encouraged, and
• more ABLE to DO!

Now Ma’am would also tell you when what
you did was NOT right … but always from a
place of love.

You know, Ma’am loved our dogs.

My husband and I have had four dogs over
our twenty-seven years together.

The first one was named Hudson.

We were really young at the time and had
no idea of how to raise a strong-willed
husky and Hudson was the worst behaved
animal around, but not because of Hudson,
because of me and my husband – horribly
inexperienced dog owners.

But Ma’am would watch him when we had
to go out-of-town, and he would jump on her
bed and pull the rollers out of her hair while
she slept.

Yes, I am very ashamed.

She would say, this is the worst behaved dog
on the planet.  Hudson lived until he was 14.

By the time we got Rocky, a yellow lab, Ma’am
lived with us.

We were much more experienced dog owners
… crate for house training, obedience school at
6 months, daily exercise, invisible fence, we had
it down.

She loved Rocky, and he was really sweet and
helped her when she was initially diagnosed
with cancer.

She truly loved Rocky.

Then my son told me that he thought Rocky was
lonely, so we got Ebony.  She is a 5-pound
shih zhu-poodle mix.  Ebony is a lap dog and very
cute.  She is irresistible to ALL five-year-old girls
and most everybody.

Ma’am would say, you know …

Ebony is really smart, and she is cute and all,
but SHE IS ALL for herself.  She don’t care if you
are pleased with her or not, she is NOT like Rocky.

Unfortunately, Rocky died, he did live until he
was 13.

Ebony was actually really devastated by Rocky’s
death and so was Ma’am, as we all were.

We soon got Argos, a velvety chocolate lab.

I think we assumed since he was a lab, he would
have the same temperament as Rocky …  umm NO.

Ma’am would say, Sista, I don’t care what you say,
this dog is a BEAST!!!!

He has nowhere the sophistication of Rocky, and
I am REALLY trying to LOVE him, but I just don’t
know.

Now, while I agree with Ma’am that Argos has a
more primitive composure, he does just love you,
and he wants to please you.

And that’s what Ma’am saw over his lack of
sophistication and she grew to love Argos.

And at Christmas, when we had then moved to
another state with the dogs …

• Ebony got a bag of presents to be placed
  under the tree.
• Argos got a bag of presents to be placed
  under the tree.
• And a third bag was delivered of presents
  to go in each dog’s individual stockings.

She would ponder for hours about the plan for
each individual present for each dog.

Every morning, I told her how the dogs were
doing in our new state.

She had this special concern for Argos …

• Ebony was small and cute, and so
  everyone automatically loved her.
• Rocky was handsome and sophisticated,
  and so everyone loved him.
• But, she felt Argos was NOT good looking.

She did feel, in her words, that he had a good
figure and the shiniest velvety looking coat.

I tried to convince her that all labs look alike,
they are just different colors.  She was never
really convinced.

One morning, she said she looked at pictures
of both Rocky and Argos for a very long time,
and she was really trying to see what I was
talking about, but she really couldn’t, Argos
was not good looking.

One day I had to tell her that the vet in our
new state said that …

Argos was 5-7 lbs overweight, and I mentioned
that since we came out to the new state, his coat
was no longer shiny.

Oh, why did I say that?

Sista, OMG, his figure and his coat is ALL he has.
I told you HE IS NOT GOOD LOOKING! How
could you have let this happen?  This is ridiculous!

So since I knew Ma’am was moving out to our
new state to live with me and my husband, I spent
the last few months getting Argos back in shape
with no help from my son or my husband.  My son
said I am raising Argos according to the vet’s values
and I need to raise him according to our family
values and allow him to be fat and happy.

I ignored my son, and Argos is back in shape, and
the vet gave me these supplements and his coat
looks better and shinier than it has ever been!

I knew the moment Argos came running down
the path to greet Ma’am as she moved in, I did
not want to hear her mouth about how terrible
I was to allow this to happen.   She needed to
see a trim Argos with a shiny coat.

Argos is trim and shiny now.

ANYWAY … I am going to miss Ma’am terribly,
but I plan to celebrate her life by taking her example;

• I want to leave others better based on their
  interaction with me … AS SHE DID!
• I want to bless others with grace, knowledge,
  empathy, and encouragement … AS SHE DID!
• I want to let grace and ease come my way
  … AS SHE DID!

I hope to honor that grand lady!!!!!!

I love you, Ma’am.

 

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Aaaahhhh, breathe.

Be remembered for grace and ease.

At first, you might have to work at it.

Traffic, co-workers, bosses, to-do lists,
sickness …. on and on.

Some form of  stress exists in everyone’s
life.

But as David Foster Wallace said …
this is water, be aware.

It takes work to be aware, but it is worth
the investment.

Even in the busiest day, STOP, LOOK, &
BREATHE.

It can really be lovely.

We all have our stresses, but we also all
have our blessings.

#Blessed

Does someone love you?

Smile, enjoy, be grateful.

Not to worry, the responsible work you
need to do is still there, but do it in five
minutes.

Right now, though, let’s listen to Lao Tzu
and ride the waves rather than trying to
overpower them.

Work dedicated to becoming more aware
of the moment gets you to a place where
you don’t just live for the weekend or when
you get to go to that, someday, great place …

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Tom Friedman quoted a congressman from
Minnesota who said that there was a time
when “white males in Minnesota had to plan
to fail”, but overtime digital globalization,
mother nature, and technology made
things such that now white men had to
plan to succeed.

OK.

Well, my mother always told me because you
are a black woman, you have to work twice as
hard and be twice as smart just to potentially
break even.

I just doubled down on the values of working
hard and pursuing a good education.  I did not
look for rescue from some demagogue.

I value working hard, pursuing the best
education, and moving on when opportunities
do not present themselves where you are.

These values have helped me in my journey.

I have always known that I needed and better
have a plan to succeed.

I value planning ahead and attaining goals.

But, I value other things as well.

I value building up the next generation.

I want all children to feel they belong.

I do not want an entire generation of
young children to feel ostracized and
disenfranchised.

I do not want young children to go to
sleep in fear.

I do not want anyone’s children to be
made to feel disheartened and alienated
for who they are.

While I may value keeping more of the
money I make for my family through tax
reform, reduced taxes for me personally,
or a lower deductible on my health
insurance, I have ranked my values.

I value the next generation over a
legitimate value of increased take-home
pay for my family.

I would suggest the next generation be
diligent, work hard, and pursue a good
education.

I also suggest that laying down with
those of low moral character, questionable
values, or someone who you say has
displayed textbook racism for the sake of
‘Tax Reform’ and ‘Repeal & Replace’
will not prove out to be worth it in the end.

Sometimes, you have to rank your values.

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I often get the question … I just found
out about x or y job opportunity, should
I apply for the position, should I accept
the position?

My reply is always where are you trying
to go 4-5 jobs from now or 5-10 years
from now?

If you view your work life and/or your
personal life as an incredible journey,
then it seems to me that you will be
most fulfilled if you end up wherever
you were trying to go.

When I ask, where are you trying to go,
many times, I hear … CRICKETS.

I suggest we approach our lives with
forethought.  If we look ahead in the
future, what would we want and expect
to see for ourselves?

If we looked 10 years in the future, what
would we want and expect to see?

When you decide what you expect for
yourself consistent with your values and
aspirations, then whether or not you
should accept that next job or consider
that next opportunity becomes easy.

Does this put me on a path to where I want to go?
Is this opportunity consistent with my aspirations?
Is this opportunity consistent with my values?
Does this opportunity impact the things I value
in a positive manner?

So, if I want to drive to California as my
ultimate destination and I am in Michigan,
it is probably unwise for me to drive to that
really, really, nice hotel I heard about in
New Jersey, because it is not on the path of
where I ultimately expect to go.

When we approach our lives as a strategic
journey within our control;

We spend time putting great forethought
into what we want out of this great gift of
life that we have been granted.

We think about and decide where we want
to go.

We understand what it is that we value.

We make every decision from the grand
to the mundane in a manner such that
the things we value are impacted
positively.

We know that we have to think longer than
the next job, the next day, the next few months,
because it is YOU that will have to live with the
decisions you are making today.

And I suggest that you make these decisions
for the INNER you.

Not the friends telling you who you should be
Not the thoughts that tell you what is wrong
with you
Not the family telling you what you cannot be
Not the anxiety that WORKS on the inner you
Not the current health situation that WORKS
on the inner you
Not the addiction that WORKS on the inner you
Not the fatigue that WORKS on the inner you

But, the INNER you .. you know the one

– the INNER you that knows who you are
– the INNER you that knows who you want to be
– the inner you that kicks anxiety, friends,
health, fatigue, and advice outside, they
can’t help you with THIS decision

So, what does the inner you expect for yourself
in one year, in five years, in ten years?

Where does the inner you expect to go?

What are the aspirations of the inner you?

What does the inner you value?

I am happy for the inner you.

Go make the INNER YOU’s dreams come true.

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America is great because we welcome
the tired, the poor, and the huddled
masses yearning to breathe free.

America is great because we represent
the friendship between nations.

America is great because we want
people to be free of oppression.

America is great because we do not
condone discrimination.

America is great because we will open
up our personal homes to take in those
that are in need.

America is great because we will make
sure that child at Christmas has a toy,
a winter coat, and school supplies.

America is great because we are kind.

America is great because we behave
in a civil manner within our institutions.

America is great because people here
do not live in fear.

America is great because we disavow
the Ku Klux Klan.

America is great because we support the
free exercise of religion.

America is great because we believe in
the freedom of the press.

America is great because we do not allow
unreasonable searches and seizures.

America is great because we believe in
democracy and the right to vote.

If America is not feeling so great right
now, we will just have to stand up and
RESIST until all feel welcomed and
everyone feels that their life matters.

It will be up to US to make America
great again.

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When a person is well-liked, admired,
enjoyed by many people, and favored,
others sometimes viewing from the
outside attribute this person’s success
and prosperity to chance.

They say this success accidentally
happened without being planned
rather than through the person’s own
actions.

What sometimes those outside viewers
do not see is that over time this person
failed, cried, sacrificed, got no sleep, was
disappointed.

They also do not see that this person came
back, moved on, persevered, stayed up, got
up early, and showed up right every day in
the rain.

You see success cannot come without hard
work and resilience.

Showing up over time WORKS.

OK, so this may not be one of our times.

We may not be feeling fortunate.  We did
not get that favorable outcome.  We did not
accomplish our aim.  Our contest did not
result in triumph.

So, what do we do?

There is always apathy, indifference,
and dispassion.  It just sucks when things
happen and the circumstances do not
appear to be fair.  After all, we bet on a
reservoir of fairness and goodness.

But ….

Every day is not promised.  We have no
assurance that there is an indefinite
continued progress of existence and
events.

It is our responsibility to recognize
the full worth, the implications,
the significance of our time on earth.

No one is guaranteed TOMORROW.

So we must jealously guard our thoughts,
our actions, our time, and the beauty of
NOW.

Worry, negativity, apathy, indifference,
inaction, disappointment, and self-pity
are too expensive.

Value TODAY.  Enjoy this VERY moment,
the NOW.

You are reading.

STOP.

BREATHE.

Know that we will ultimately be successful,
because we are going to get back up.  We
will put in the work.  We are going to wake
early.

We can take care of NOW.

We can appreciate our time. 

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Where we work, in our country,
in our family, with our friends,
in our churches, we want to belong,
EVERYDAY.

We want the proper qualifications.
We earn the proper qualifications.
We want to be a member.
We expect to be appropriately placed.
We feel bound by the ties of membership.
So, we produce readily.

We are creative.
We are innovative.
We are productive.
We act in concert with a shared vision.
We commit to the great perception of
future developments.

We feel this belonging EVERY familiar,
usual, placid, mundane, ordinary
work day.

We show up RIGHT every day.

We make great products.
We positively astound our customers.
We make great companies.

When NOT everyone feels they belong,
it is harmful, it undermines product and
business achievement.

This sense of not belonging hinders
performance, accomplishment, and
the actualization of vision.

It inhibits unification of purpose and
action.

It is harmful and injurious to goals and
will manifest itself in apathy, lethargy,
and worse.

If we actually assume commitment
without question and treat those who
want to belong with carelessness and
indifference, we pay with overall
sub-optimal performance and sometimes
with costs that are severely deleterious.

Whatever the context, it is difficult to
develop an argument against this, and
why would you?

We win when we unify.  We win when we
work to be in a state of mutual empathy.

We win when we make everyone belong,
EVERY DAY.

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Joseph Welch once asked Joe McCarthy…
SIR, have you no decency?

I say we should have shame (in small doses).

Remember the things Robert Fulghum
reminded us that we learned in Kindergarten;

Share
Play fair
Don’t hit
Clean up
Put things back
Do not take things that are not yours
Say sorry
Wash your hands
Flush
Work, learn, drink, draw, paint, nap, sing,
dance, & play SOME!

These activities are taught to help us grow
into courteous citizens able to participate
in civil society.

Who would willingly encourage their
children to…

Hit
Take other people’s things
Keep everything for yourself
Don’t wash
Work, learn, drink, draw, paint, sleep, sing,
dance, & play TOO MUCH!

The reason is that when your children do
the above, your baby becomes the kid with
whom no one plays.

Shame provides that inner experience of
not feeling wanted.

We need some shame.

It encourages us to consider apologizing,
take responsibility, confess, and
change our behavior.

Kevin in Home Alone realizes even when
you are blessed with the run of the house,
ultimately it is no fun being home alone.

Once we get past a certain age, no one
should have to explain to us that it is
wrong to …

Demean those that are weaker than you
Insult people
Bully people
Lie
Cheat people
Take advantage of those without privilege
Cry about petty slights
React and not respond

And if someone does have to explain these
things to us, we should feel somewhat
ashamed and attempt to change our behavior.

And if we recognize and call out bad behavior
because it is disqualifying, we should continue
with that stand.

We can not just overlook disqualifying behavior
in search of a high-status job!!!

I ask all of us that sanction and normalize the
disqualified and those of us that have earned
disqualification, have we no shame?

We all need some shame.